I will never say that there is anything wrong with being Aziza's mom. For the longest time, I identified most as this person and was perfectly happy and content. My goal, my drive, my passion, was my daughter. She was the center of my life and that meant she occupied all the spaces. Having a work identity didn't much exist, as it was usually just a job I was doing to care for Aziza. There was seldom a relationship me, so that part of myself faded, and quite ironic too, as everything before Aziza was about romance and finding my soulmate. I still believe in this concept but to the extent that mine is probably on the other side of the planet and chances of me getting over there - wherever there is - are pretty slim. I certainly don't wish to waste time searching the world for someone who I should have already met. I guess (shrug). That's really a whole other subject on whether fate and karma, and all that do affect our lives, Unfortunately, I'm about 90% sure I'm supposed to walk alone in this life. I'd never get anything done if I was caught up in romance, and caught up I would be. It really is my Achilles heel.
As the years went by, I began believing that God had some other plan for me since every man I've ever been with is the wrong man. I decided that instead of focusing on the person who may never be in my life, I would concentrate on the one looking back at me in the mirror. She was in need of some attention for sure. I set out to find me, the feelings of me, the worth of me, the intelligence of me, and the creativity of me. I began writing poetry again. It wasn't very good but over time I worked on it. I read as much poetry as I could, so eventually and hopefully, I'd discover my own voice and style of writing. If you're a poetry lover as I am, you will know that every poet has a unique style and voice, and finding your own takes time - it did for me. In doing this, I began to find the me that was lying dormant beneath my new outer identity as Aziza's mother. Believe me, I am proud to be her mother, it's the best job I've ever had, and I feel I get better at it all the time, but when she's old enough to go out and be who she needs to be, I will need to be able to continue to move forward with my true self. I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree and I'm very excited to be graduating in December of this year. Another part of me I've brought to my identity - the graduate. It makes me proud, and with every new part of me that is unlocked, the happier and freer I feel to take on anything.
So now I can be Aziza's mom, along with being "mom" to many of Aziza's friends, adoring each and every one of them, but when I'm doing my thing, whether it be writing poetry or creating a new blog, I'm being Heather, the Heather that remembers her life before Aziza, and the Heather now who couldn't feel more complete as all parts finally come together.
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