Sometimes I know when I've gone too far, committed myself to doing more than I can fit in to what's already on the schedule. This past week was an example of me still trying to do too much, knowing that I'm wearing myself thin in the process.
I moved to a new department at work this past Monday - SNAP, formerly food stamps. It's a nice atmosphere, nice people, but like any new work environment, I'm surveying my surroundings and the personalities. One new co-worker asked if I would not wear perfume anymore because she is basically allergic to all of it. I like to wear perfume, not a gallon of it, but just so there's a detectable note. No more of that, I guess, and only unscented hand lotion from now on. Also, it's odd how this department says how crazy busy they are, and that they can't do this or that because there simply isn't time. One week in and I'm not seeing it. I'm seeing people go for lots of smoke breaks, my neighbor to the right of my cubicle, playing a game on her phone while she sighs over the stacks of work she hasn't done yet. It's the easiest work too compared to the department I transferred from. I keep asking, "Do you need to do this...and do you need to do that?" And my neighbor just looks at me funny, like "No, we would never do that." It's quite funny how some think they are working so hard but really aren't at all and just like to whine that they are.
So anyway, I have to be at work earlier in this new department. I still have to take Aziza to school in the morning, but she doesn't need to get there until 8:30. I need to be at work at 8:00. I'm literally standing at the door at 7:35 saying "Let's go!" but she's still walking around looking for something, I don't know what. She's always looking for her stuff because she never remembers where she puts it. And the kicker is that she will ask me where it is like I took it, was using it, or I hid it from her. Meanwhile, if she does ask me, chances are I find it. It's getting closer to 7:40 and my stress level is rising. Why does she do this? She refuses to take the bus. She must go with me but can never be ready on time, and then I'm arriving late to work during my first week.
By Friday I was just exhausted. However, Aziza let me know she was sleeping at a friend's house, but that would be after I pick up her favorite GF pizza from Kristofer's. And that would have to happen after I shop for items I need to make pasta salad for Saturday's marching band lunch party before championships in Syracuse on Sunday. So I did all of that. Aziza ate her pizza, I drove her to her friend's house, and when I got home, I planned to make the salad after relaxing for just a little - it was Friday night after all. But after about 2-3 glasses of wine, and no dinner, I fell asleep on the couch. I wake to the sounds of my cats, Lizzie and Jasmine, chasing each other through the house. I look at the clock and see it's 2 AM. Clearly not making the salad now. I brush my teeth and realize I'll need to make the salad in the morning.
I get up this morning and it's a little later than I wanted. I need to make coffee, I need to feed the cats, and then I begin to make the salad; cooking the pasta, chopping veggies, cutting cheese into cubes, cutting the salami into strips. While the pasta cooks, I clean the cat litter box, sweep, wash my hands and grab my coffee cup from the bedroom nightstand table ( I watched 10 minutes of the news). I set the coffee down on the dining room table and basically forgot about it while I assembled the salad. Finally, it's done. In the fridge until I need to go pick up Aziza at her friend's house (at the sleepover) and take them both to the marching band events for today. They need to be there at 8:45 am and I need to be at the Binghamton High School by 9:30 to take a state civil service exam. So, I take a shower, I'm dressed, I throw out the garbage, put the pasta salad tray on the dining room table. I'm almost ready to go and as I grab my purse from the table, I fail to see the coffee cup and knock it over - coffee everywhere! Running over the table, spilling onto the carpet, and I'm scrambling to get whatever paper and books are on the table so they don't get ruined. It's now 8:40 and my phone is ringing. It's Aziza asking me if I'm coming and when am I leaving? I explain what's happening and she says, "Well, we need to be there in 5 minutes." I said, "Well, I guess that's not going to happen, is it?"
Long story short... I think I did really well on the exam!
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Reclaiming your identity... and then some
I will never say that there is anything wrong with being Aziza's mom. For the longest time, I identified most as this person and was perfectly happy and content. My goal, my drive, my passion, was my daughter. She was the center of my life and that meant she occupied all the spaces. Having a work identity didn't much exist, as it was usually just a job I was doing to care for Aziza. There was seldom a relationship me, so that part of myself faded, and quite ironic too, as everything before Aziza was about romance and finding my soulmate. I still believe in this concept but to the extent that mine is probably on the other side of the planet and chances of me getting over there - wherever there is - are pretty slim. I certainly don't wish to waste time searching the world for someone who I should have already met. I guess (shrug). That's really a whole other subject on whether fate and karma, and all that do affect our lives, Unfortunately, I'm about 90% sure I'm supposed to walk alone in this life. I'd never get anything done if I was caught up in romance, and caught up I would be. It really is my Achilles heel.
As the years went by, I began believing that God had some other plan for me since every man I've ever been with is the wrong man. I decided that instead of focusing on the person who may never be in my life, I would concentrate on the one looking back at me in the mirror. She was in need of some attention for sure. I set out to find me, the feelings of me, the worth of me, the intelligence of me, and the creativity of me. I began writing poetry again. It wasn't very good but over time I worked on it. I read as much poetry as I could, so eventually and hopefully, I'd discover my own voice and style of writing. If you're a poetry lover as I am, you will know that every poet has a unique style and voice, and finding your own takes time - it did for me. In doing this, I began to find the me that was lying dormant beneath my new outer identity as Aziza's mother. Believe me, I am proud to be her mother, it's the best job I've ever had, and I feel I get better at it all the time, but when she's old enough to go out and be who she needs to be, I will need to be able to continue to move forward with my true self. I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree and I'm very excited to be graduating in December of this year. Another part of me I've brought to my identity - the graduate. It makes me proud, and with every new part of me that is unlocked, the happier and freer I feel to take on anything.
So now I can be Aziza's mom, along with being "mom" to many of Aziza's friends, adoring each and every one of them, but when I'm doing my thing, whether it be writing poetry or creating a new blog, I'm being Heather, the Heather that remembers her life before Aziza, and the Heather now who couldn't feel more complete as all parts finally come together.
As the years went by, I began believing that God had some other plan for me since every man I've ever been with is the wrong man. I decided that instead of focusing on the person who may never be in my life, I would concentrate on the one looking back at me in the mirror. She was in need of some attention for sure. I set out to find me, the feelings of me, the worth of me, the intelligence of me, and the creativity of me. I began writing poetry again. It wasn't very good but over time I worked on it. I read as much poetry as I could, so eventually and hopefully, I'd discover my own voice and style of writing. If you're a poetry lover as I am, you will know that every poet has a unique style and voice, and finding your own takes time - it did for me. In doing this, I began to find the me that was lying dormant beneath my new outer identity as Aziza's mother. Believe me, I am proud to be her mother, it's the best job I've ever had, and I feel I get better at it all the time, but when she's old enough to go out and be who she needs to be, I will need to be able to continue to move forward with my true self. I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree and I'm very excited to be graduating in December of this year. Another part of me I've brought to my identity - the graduate. It makes me proud, and with every new part of me that is unlocked, the happier and freer I feel to take on anything.
So now I can be Aziza's mom, along with being "mom" to many of Aziza's friends, adoring each and every one of them, but when I'm doing my thing, whether it be writing poetry or creating a new blog, I'm being Heather, the Heather that remembers her life before Aziza, and the Heather now who couldn't feel more complete as all parts finally come together.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Stress will take your life... if you let it!
Being a single mother has put an enormous amount of stress on me, so I certainly cannot be the voice of reason or tell you how to manage your particular stress. Experts maybe, like theorists who study stressors and how they affect people, or just some good self help books - but not me. What I can tell you is what I was like in the early days of being a single mom and what I'm like now. Like anything else, I inevitably learned, but before that, I was tired and fatigued, mentally and physically, from the 100+ things my mind would remind me I needed to do. There was always a hand on my back pushing me to keep going. But then one quiet night around 10pm while Aziza was asleep, I had the worst anxiety attack I thought possible. I truly believed I was about to die, and more, it felt like I was having a stroke. Time was fast moving around the room but I stayed in slow motion. There was a confusing static feeling in my head, like my brain was shorting out. It was very scary. I had had anxiety attacks before but never to this extent. I would usually calm myself by running warm water on my hands, and if that didn't work, I'd have to take a hot shower. The water and the temperature would eventually calm whatever frenzy was taking over my body. Sometimes though, it could take up to 45 minutes before I was okay again. Every minute moving so slowly internally, while the room around me felt out of control. It's a confusing and terrifying experience, especially when you are alone.
After that I decided I needed to bring in some help. I went to the doctor and needless to say, I have been on long-term anxiety medicine for almost six years now. Now I can go to sleep with a few dishes in the sink, I can do one chore at a time instead of running around the house trying to work twice as hard to hurry up and get it all done. There was a lot to do. Aziza was a busy girl, I worked full-time, I went back to school - twice, the car always needed something, the apartment needed to be cleaned constantly, and there was grocery shopping, laundry, and the list goes on. I'm a driven person, I've always known that but I needed to learn how to pace myself. More importantly, I needed to tell myself it's okay if I don't get this done today - there's still tomorrow.
Eventually, I learned how to get things accomplished because I stopped worrying how I would get it done. I needed to stop putting such unrealistic expectations on myself, live for what can be done now, and let the rest come later. I learned to stop worrying about all the things that were coming, all the things I'd need to do and the places I'd need to go, and instead I began to let it go and deal with it when the time arrived. There's one thing I have to say about being able to manage stress - and I say manage because it will always be there - but there is nothing more freeing in your life than allowing yourself to be human, to be imperfect, to allow yourself another day. Stress, if not handled correctly, will take time off your life, cause aches and pains, and possibly more serious health complications that you may try to treat in other ways, but when you realize you are severely stressed, the best remedy is to become a better person for yourself and to yourself. Take each day as it comes, and do the best you can with that day. You'll be glad you did - I am!
After that I decided I needed to bring in some help. I went to the doctor and needless to say, I have been on long-term anxiety medicine for almost six years now. Now I can go to sleep with a few dishes in the sink, I can do one chore at a time instead of running around the house trying to work twice as hard to hurry up and get it all done. There was a lot to do. Aziza was a busy girl, I worked full-time, I went back to school - twice, the car always needed something, the apartment needed to be cleaned constantly, and there was grocery shopping, laundry, and the list goes on. I'm a driven person, I've always known that but I needed to learn how to pace myself. More importantly, I needed to tell myself it's okay if I don't get this done today - there's still tomorrow.
Eventually, I learned how to get things accomplished because I stopped worrying how I would get it done. I needed to stop putting such unrealistic expectations on myself, live for what can be done now, and let the rest come later. I learned to stop worrying about all the things that were coming, all the things I'd need to do and the places I'd need to go, and instead I began to let it go and deal with it when the time arrived. There's one thing I have to say about being able to manage stress - and I say manage because it will always be there - but there is nothing more freeing in your life than allowing yourself to be human, to be imperfect, to allow yourself another day. Stress, if not handled correctly, will take time off your life, cause aches and pains, and possibly more serious health complications that you may try to treat in other ways, but when you realize you are severely stressed, the best remedy is to become a better person for yourself and to yourself. Take each day as it comes, and do the best you can with that day. You'll be glad you did - I am!
Monday, October 17, 2016
Money: spending it, saving it, being cautious with it,
Right around this time of year, my savings is nearly depleted and I start thinking about next year's tax refund. It's what funds my savings all year and lets me pay for all of Aziza's activities, apparel, and new clothes every season. Clothes from last year are like leftovers for her - she's not a fan of either. So yeah, that tax refund is my yearly sustenance, my safety-net, it's how I don't totally bury myself in credit card debt. Not to say I don't have my fair share of it, but I make it manageable. Always looking for the 0% balance transfer for 18+ months so I can pay them off interest free. It's inevitable really, debt that is. I mean, all of it, is definitely a lot for one person to pay for, and I do think Aziza has started to understand that when she tells me she wants something and then says, "I know I can't have it, it's too expensive." That's when I try to figure out a way to pay for it, without it hurting the budget. I can't always do that, but I want to when I see she's developing an understanding of money.
I've done my best with never receiving child support from her father, and even though it would have helped many times, I was always grateful to be free of the need for it, or the entanglement that goes along with trying to always get the other parent to pay it. I heard so many stories of women struggling to get the fathers to pay support. And yes, there is equal time for deadbeat parents. Along the dating trail, I spoke to many single fathers who supported the children exclusively, as the mother just up and left. At one time, I was very naive thinking that it was always the father that left but not so. Either way, the struggle with managing money is essentially your second job after parenthood. The job that provides the paycheck comes in as number three, believe it or not.
I became very cautious with money, never trying to go outside the budget. My whole life became this budget that I had to squeeze everything into and most of the time, I was just meeting the bills with nothing left over to save. You see why that tax return is such an asset? With it we can take a vacation, I can fix the car when it needs it. If there is one thing I learned being a single mother, you must take care of the car. You must have a safe vehicle to take your kids wherever they need to go, to go to work, take them to school, the doctor, grocery story... it's endless. Maintaining the car is probably up there in the top 5 necessary jobs.
I have to keep a close eye on fluctuations in bills, like Time Warner who loves to increase your bill at their whim. Just today I spent 30 minutes on the phone with them negotiating why my bill would be more expensive for 2 services instead of 3. It's remarkable how they keep you from canceling services, unless you are lucky enough to dump them altogether. The outcome today was that miraculously they found another triple play bundle (cable, internet, phone) with faster internet and an additional set of movie channels. Just amazing how they were able to pull that out of their hat when I said I'd be canceling the phone service. What I've discovered with Time Warner is that they are very aggressive in obtaining new customers but the ones that have been with them 15+ years, they can somewhat take advantage of. Unless of course someone like me calls them on it, saying what terrible business practices they have and how they are essentially ripping off their long-standing customers who do not have the option to go to dish service. Wow, someone stop me because I can go on! lol Anyway, I was triumphant today. They did not succeed in raising my bill $20 more a month. They raised it $6 and I got faster internet and more channels. I still have the damn phone which is my source of contention when both Aziza and I have cell phones with good service. Just insane the hoops we have to jump through sometimes.
In a nutshell, watch your spending! Money going out must not exceed money coming in. I know I sound like a Republican when I say curb spending but it should only be necessary purchases until all bills are paid, or at least accounted for. If there's money still in the tax refund savings account (in my case), or money left over from the budget, indulge in some treats for you and your children. You deserve it!
I've done my best with never receiving child support from her father, and even though it would have helped many times, I was always grateful to be free of the need for it, or the entanglement that goes along with trying to always get the other parent to pay it. I heard so many stories of women struggling to get the fathers to pay support. And yes, there is equal time for deadbeat parents. Along the dating trail, I spoke to many single fathers who supported the children exclusively, as the mother just up and left. At one time, I was very naive thinking that it was always the father that left but not so. Either way, the struggle with managing money is essentially your second job after parenthood. The job that provides the paycheck comes in as number three, believe it or not.
I became very cautious with money, never trying to go outside the budget. My whole life became this budget that I had to squeeze everything into and most of the time, I was just meeting the bills with nothing left over to save. You see why that tax return is such an asset? With it we can take a vacation, I can fix the car when it needs it. If there is one thing I learned being a single mother, you must take care of the car. You must have a safe vehicle to take your kids wherever they need to go, to go to work, take them to school, the doctor, grocery story... it's endless. Maintaining the car is probably up there in the top 5 necessary jobs.
I have to keep a close eye on fluctuations in bills, like Time Warner who loves to increase your bill at their whim. Just today I spent 30 minutes on the phone with them negotiating why my bill would be more expensive for 2 services instead of 3. It's remarkable how they keep you from canceling services, unless you are lucky enough to dump them altogether. The outcome today was that miraculously they found another triple play bundle (cable, internet, phone) with faster internet and an additional set of movie channels. Just amazing how they were able to pull that out of their hat when I said I'd be canceling the phone service. What I've discovered with Time Warner is that they are very aggressive in obtaining new customers but the ones that have been with them 15+ years, they can somewhat take advantage of. Unless of course someone like me calls them on it, saying what terrible business practices they have and how they are essentially ripping off their long-standing customers who do not have the option to go to dish service. Wow, someone stop me because I can go on! lol Anyway, I was triumphant today. They did not succeed in raising my bill $20 more a month. They raised it $6 and I got faster internet and more channels. I still have the damn phone which is my source of contention when both Aziza and I have cell phones with good service. Just insane the hoops we have to jump through sometimes.
In a nutshell, watch your spending! Money going out must not exceed money coming in. I know I sound like a Republican when I say curb spending but it should only be necessary purchases until all bills are paid, or at least accounted for. If there's money still in the tax refund savings account (in my case), or money left over from the budget, indulge in some treats for you and your children. You deserve it!
Friday, October 14, 2016
Being a single parent and the "D" word
This subject should really have a blog all to itself. I could write story after horrible story of trying to date while being a single mother. It's near impossible to do without paying for a sitter or having grandma to watch your child while you go out. And it was always the ones I didn't want to go out with a second time that would offer to pay for the sitter. But also because I was the dutiful, proud, I can do it all on my own single mother, I would never accept that. I figured I was the one essentially who got us into this fix, I'd be the one to get us through it, even if that meant no social life for me.
When Aziza's father, Mostapha, left that August 2002, it was because I asked him to. Granted, I never asked him to secretly leave the country! And because he had not gotten his citizenship yet, he's still unable to come here without my help. Anyway, I don't want to get off topic. I guess you could say I felt guilty for not allowing Aziza to have a father, so in exchange for that, I didn't really deserve to have a relationship of my own. Yeah, I put myself on a guilt trip for a while. There wasn't a thing Aziza asked for that she didn't get - if I could buy it for her. I kept trying to fill the void.
Anyway, so I went through a lot of blind dates I had met through this telephone dating service. You recorded a voice message about yourself and then men would respond with a message, leaving their number and you can guess the rest. I would meet them at the park where Aziza played, really just to see what they looked like and who they were. Always public places and if I knew it was bad, I'd say, "My daughter wants to go home, I really should get going?" I tried this for a while until I met this guy named Kevin. This person changed my life, made me go into dating hibernation for a few years. I'll tell you about Kevin. Like I said, I could devote a whole blog just to dating, giving you the ins and outs of my worst encounters and how men really are sexual predators at times. Of course not all. The other population of men are at home being decent husbands and fathers, not out looking for sex - well, you hope anyway!
Back to Kevin. Now Kevin wasn't a sexual predator but he was a con man, and pretty good at it, especially since I was vulnerable and it never occurred to me that some creep would really do something like this. Anyway, we met on the phone dating service, and we talked quite a bit before meeting. He was sweet and charming, and and after he e-mailed me pics of himself, I was almost hooked. I let him come to my apartment when Aziza was at a friend's house. He drove one of those huge pick-up trucks, brand new, emerald green. He was dressed maybe how a teenager would, with the hoodie and jeans but he was completely disarming, not to mention enormous. He was about 6' 4" and looked like a linebacker. But he was like a big, soft teddy-bear. Gentle and very tender. I was hooked. After our first "date" I received a bouquet of roses at work from him. Again, floored by the gesture and even more attached to his line now. We had a few dates and he was always the same. I let him meet Aziza and he was very kid-friendly as he had a daughter of his own. At one point though, his truck seemed to disappear, like it was in the shop or something, so he always got a ride to my apartment. Regardless, he said he had a very good job, and I thought maybe this could be something, until...
Right around Christmastime, we had been seeing each other a month, he came over one Friday night and we were going to get dinner. He was dropped off at my apartment by a co-worker. He said he borrowed money from a friend earlier that day and wanted to pay him back before the weekend. I could tell he had had a couple of beers before he stopped over and he laughed that I knew right away. He said his friend was going to stop by to pick up the money he owes him, but that he would need to go to the ATM to get money. It had started snowing pretty heavy and he said, how about I take your car around the block to the ATM. I'll be right back. I was very skeptical and fighting my insides on this one. I knew he'd had a few beers and I didn't want to give him my car. Everything in me said not to but then he said, "What, you don't trust me? Is this going to be that thing that puts that out there?" I was like wow, now what? I let him take it. The gas station was around the corner. I said, "Okay, come right back and then we'll order some dinner." He never came back. I called and called his cell phone but no answer. About two hours later, two police officers came to my house and told me my car was sitting up against the divider on kamikaze curve (those that live near me, know what that is), The car was totaled, and I was devastated.
Things did not get better once he re-appeared from out of the smoke. He said he'd buy me another car, but he never did. I found one myself, and after he never showed up to bring me the money to buy the car, I had just enough money in my savings account to buy the car. Kevin didn't disappear though. He kept calling me when he was drunk to say how sorry he was. He finally went to rehab and would call me from there to tell me we would start over when he got back, but there was no chance of that.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that men suck, haha. No I'm just kidding. But they can, and they will take advantage of a woman, lie to them, take their money, and anything else they think they can get away with. One day maybe I'll share a few more of my dating nightmares but for now, truth be told, I'm done dating. There is nothing wrong with eating a veggie burger for dinner, or a tuna sandwich. I'm the easiest person to live with and I'm housebroken too! ;)
When Aziza's father, Mostapha, left that August 2002, it was because I asked him to. Granted, I never asked him to secretly leave the country! And because he had not gotten his citizenship yet, he's still unable to come here without my help. Anyway, I don't want to get off topic. I guess you could say I felt guilty for not allowing Aziza to have a father, so in exchange for that, I didn't really deserve to have a relationship of my own. Yeah, I put myself on a guilt trip for a while. There wasn't a thing Aziza asked for that she didn't get - if I could buy it for her. I kept trying to fill the void.
Anyway, so I went through a lot of blind dates I had met through this telephone dating service. You recorded a voice message about yourself and then men would respond with a message, leaving their number and you can guess the rest. I would meet them at the park where Aziza played, really just to see what they looked like and who they were. Always public places and if I knew it was bad, I'd say, "My daughter wants to go home, I really should get going?" I tried this for a while until I met this guy named Kevin. This person changed my life, made me go into dating hibernation for a few years. I'll tell you about Kevin. Like I said, I could devote a whole blog just to dating, giving you the ins and outs of my worst encounters and how men really are sexual predators at times. Of course not all. The other population of men are at home being decent husbands and fathers, not out looking for sex - well, you hope anyway!
Back to Kevin. Now Kevin wasn't a sexual predator but he was a con man, and pretty good at it, especially since I was vulnerable and it never occurred to me that some creep would really do something like this. Anyway, we met on the phone dating service, and we talked quite a bit before meeting. He was sweet and charming, and and after he e-mailed me pics of himself, I was almost hooked. I let him come to my apartment when Aziza was at a friend's house. He drove one of those huge pick-up trucks, brand new, emerald green. He was dressed maybe how a teenager would, with the hoodie and jeans but he was completely disarming, not to mention enormous. He was about 6' 4" and looked like a linebacker. But he was like a big, soft teddy-bear. Gentle and very tender. I was hooked. After our first "date" I received a bouquet of roses at work from him. Again, floored by the gesture and even more attached to his line now. We had a few dates and he was always the same. I let him meet Aziza and he was very kid-friendly as he had a daughter of his own. At one point though, his truck seemed to disappear, like it was in the shop or something, so he always got a ride to my apartment. Regardless, he said he had a very good job, and I thought maybe this could be something, until...
Right around Christmastime, we had been seeing each other a month, he came over one Friday night and we were going to get dinner. He was dropped off at my apartment by a co-worker. He said he borrowed money from a friend earlier that day and wanted to pay him back before the weekend. I could tell he had had a couple of beers before he stopped over and he laughed that I knew right away. He said his friend was going to stop by to pick up the money he owes him, but that he would need to go to the ATM to get money. It had started snowing pretty heavy and he said, how about I take your car around the block to the ATM. I'll be right back. I was very skeptical and fighting my insides on this one. I knew he'd had a few beers and I didn't want to give him my car. Everything in me said not to but then he said, "What, you don't trust me? Is this going to be that thing that puts that out there?" I was like wow, now what? I let him take it. The gas station was around the corner. I said, "Okay, come right back and then we'll order some dinner." He never came back. I called and called his cell phone but no answer. About two hours later, two police officers came to my house and told me my car was sitting up against the divider on kamikaze curve (those that live near me, know what that is), The car was totaled, and I was devastated.
Things did not get better once he re-appeared from out of the smoke. He said he'd buy me another car, but he never did. I found one myself, and after he never showed up to bring me the money to buy the car, I had just enough money in my savings account to buy the car. Kevin didn't disappear though. He kept calling me when he was drunk to say how sorry he was. He finally went to rehab and would call me from there to tell me we would start over when he got back, but there was no chance of that.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that men suck, haha. No I'm just kidding. But they can, and they will take advantage of a woman, lie to them, take their money, and anything else they think they can get away with. One day maybe I'll share a few more of my dating nightmares but for now, truth be told, I'm done dating. There is nothing wrong with eating a veggie burger for dinner, or a tuna sandwich. I'm the easiest person to live with and I'm housebroken too! ;)
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Childcare: A single parent's (or any parent's) nightmare
I cannot stress enough what an emotional and trying experience it is finding someone to watch your child all day, especially when you are totally reluctant to do it in the first place. When Aziza was very little, I struggled with leaving her with anyone, and most daycare providers worked out of their homes and had these ridiculous contracts about what days off they would be taking. According to them, it was to secure our place in their daycare, They would have these specific days off but I would still need to pay for the day. I assumed they were reputable, being certified by the State. Every county has a Daycare Unit that can provide a complete listing of daycare providers in your area that have all met state requirements. There are even websites you can visit to see if they have any current violations per the last inspection or from possible reporting. I wish I had learned about this sooner. Needless to say, Aziza had been with about 10-12 different home daycare providers. I'd discover in a short time that she wasn't being cared for properly, the house wasn't kept clean, or the home was in chaos with older kids when I picked her up. There were times she was just being ignored.
One specific time stands out with a provider whom I was already a little leery. I had just gotten a new job through an employment agency and had to start immediately, so I needed to find someone quickly. She was a quiet person, somewhat chilly personality - not seeming very child-friendly - but her house looked clean and she did not watch a lot of kids. One day about a week into my new job, I went home early because I wasn't feeling well and didn't tell her I was picking Aziza up early. I walked in the front door and it was totally quiet except for the sound of Aziza crying. I turned into the living room and there was Aziza sitting on the floor crying, while she was sitting on the couch looking through papers and such, COMPLETELY ignoring crying Aziza on the floor. I wanted to die. She tried to say it just started but of course she would say that. I scooped Aziza up and never went back there again. I reported her and last I had heard (back then), she lost her license because she was working on a home business while taking money to watch children. What's really scary is a lot of people - but of course not all - do it merely for the money. I guess that's fair to a certain extent, wanting to make a living, so long as they're doing it from a genuine want to care for children.
Once we moved to Broome County, I never used home daycare again. It was only daycare centers and I did my research with all of them. Unfortunately, some things can't be detected. There was one woman at the ChildTime Day Care Center in Johnson City, NY, which has been closed for years now, told me she thought Aziza - when she was two years old - was autistic because she didn't want to sit in circle time and she'd go off and play by herself. She continued her assessment by saying that Aziza was completely ignoring her. Even at such a young age, Aziza was fairly keen and finicky with who she would talk to. If she didn't like you, she would ignore you, and she hasn't changed! lol I had Aziza examined by her pediatrician and no signs of autism were found. The doctor even laughed at the implication. I of course did not laugh. Needless to say, the woman was fired shortly thereafter.
I've got one more. You ready? There was a daycare center that I absolutely loved. Aziza went there from age 3-4. The staff was amazing, fun, the center was clean with many toys and activities, and they had adorable little cubbies for the kids to put their things away. I loved it. I still cried every day when I left her there but yeah, that comes with it too. Anyway, this one lovely day care provider that Aziza adored and I trusted, decided to give Aziza a hot dog when she KNEW Aziza was vegetarian (Aziza was vegetarian until she was old enough to decide for herself). This woman knew but she said to me, "I just wanted to see if she would like it." I was like, you have got to be kidding me! Who does that? And she continued with, "I thought maybe she would want one because all the other kids were having hot dogs for lunch." She didn't ask me, she just took it upon herself. Granted, it wasn't life threatening but she's my child and she was vegetarian for a reason. Not even a call. She just assumed I'd never find out but Aziza told me! Of course, that ruined any trust or good feelings I had about this daycare center.
I have nothing but compassion for you if you are someone that must find childcare. It's an arduous experience, one that you must oversee all the time. There are instances when you are fortunate enough to have close friends or family that can watch your children, and if that's you, consider yourself very lucky!
I don't want to end with an entirely bleak perspective on daycare centers. The very last center Aziza attended before she went into kindergarten was a blessing. It's called Future Faces, located in Endwell, NY. I never had a complaint or worry, and Aziza would be beaming with stories from her day when I picked her up.
So, it wasn't always bad, but that time before you discover there is a serious problem with your childcare provider can be very stressful. Do your homework, keep an eye on what the home looks like, the other kids in the daycare, and most of all, seek feedback from your child. I have to say, those few first days you leave your child somewhere new, not knowing what's happening while you're at work, is a part of being a single parent I'm glad is over. However, if you can find a center that has video cameras that allow you to log in and see how your child is doing - that will definitely allay some of your anxiety. :)
One specific time stands out with a provider whom I was already a little leery. I had just gotten a new job through an employment agency and had to start immediately, so I needed to find someone quickly. She was a quiet person, somewhat chilly personality - not seeming very child-friendly - but her house looked clean and she did not watch a lot of kids. One day about a week into my new job, I went home early because I wasn't feeling well and didn't tell her I was picking Aziza up early. I walked in the front door and it was totally quiet except for the sound of Aziza crying. I turned into the living room and there was Aziza sitting on the floor crying, while she was sitting on the couch looking through papers and such, COMPLETELY ignoring crying Aziza on the floor. I wanted to die. She tried to say it just started but of course she would say that. I scooped Aziza up and never went back there again. I reported her and last I had heard (back then), she lost her license because she was working on a home business while taking money to watch children. What's really scary is a lot of people - but of course not all - do it merely for the money. I guess that's fair to a certain extent, wanting to make a living, so long as they're doing it from a genuine want to care for children.
Once we moved to Broome County, I never used home daycare again. It was only daycare centers and I did my research with all of them. Unfortunately, some things can't be detected. There was one woman at the ChildTime Day Care Center in Johnson City, NY, which has been closed for years now, told me she thought Aziza - when she was two years old - was autistic because she didn't want to sit in circle time and she'd go off and play by herself. She continued her assessment by saying that Aziza was completely ignoring her. Even at such a young age, Aziza was fairly keen and finicky with who she would talk to. If she didn't like you, she would ignore you, and she hasn't changed! lol I had Aziza examined by her pediatrician and no signs of autism were found. The doctor even laughed at the implication. I of course did not laugh. Needless to say, the woman was fired shortly thereafter.
I've got one more. You ready? There was a daycare center that I absolutely loved. Aziza went there from age 3-4. The staff was amazing, fun, the center was clean with many toys and activities, and they had adorable little cubbies for the kids to put their things away. I loved it. I still cried every day when I left her there but yeah, that comes with it too. Anyway, this one lovely day care provider that Aziza adored and I trusted, decided to give Aziza a hot dog when she KNEW Aziza was vegetarian (Aziza was vegetarian until she was old enough to decide for herself). This woman knew but she said to me, "I just wanted to see if she would like it." I was like, you have got to be kidding me! Who does that? And she continued with, "I thought maybe she would want one because all the other kids were having hot dogs for lunch." She didn't ask me, she just took it upon herself. Granted, it wasn't life threatening but she's my child and she was vegetarian for a reason. Not even a call. She just assumed I'd never find out but Aziza told me! Of course, that ruined any trust or good feelings I had about this daycare center.
I have nothing but compassion for you if you are someone that must find childcare. It's an arduous experience, one that you must oversee all the time. There are instances when you are fortunate enough to have close friends or family that can watch your children, and if that's you, consider yourself very lucky!
I don't want to end with an entirely bleak perspective on daycare centers. The very last center Aziza attended before she went into kindergarten was a blessing. It's called Future Faces, located in Endwell, NY. I never had a complaint or worry, and Aziza would be beaming with stories from her day when I picked her up.
So, it wasn't always bad, but that time before you discover there is a serious problem with your childcare provider can be very stressful. Do your homework, keep an eye on what the home looks like, the other kids in the daycare, and most of all, seek feedback from your child. I have to say, those few first days you leave your child somewhere new, not knowing what's happening while you're at work, is a part of being a single parent I'm glad is over. However, if you can find a center that has video cameras that allow you to log in and see how your child is doing - that will definitely allay some of your anxiety. :)
Friday, October 7, 2016
See the big picture... it's not just about you anymore
Being a single mother changed my life for the best. Turned me into a fighter, a survivor, someone who would not accept defeat. Although, at the time my life was changing, I did not see the rewards until much later. All I knew is that I had just jumped another hurdle, and I was certain another one would soon be in sight.
So, when Aziza's father left us in that 3rd week of August 2002, when he said he was moving to New Orleans and would call me soon, I knew I was on my own when the $100 phone bill came in a month later with about 30 calls to Egypt. Low and behold, I discovered he had taken all of our money and purchased a plane ticket back to Egypt. I guess the appeal of coming back to see his daughter on weekends from NYC was not enticing enough. Fortunately, and I say that sarcastically, there was $50 left in the top dresser drawer. Fifty dollars and a 6-month old baby in an apartment that would require food for us, rent, electric, and phone payments. I knew no one and family was not in a position to assist with money - never had been really. So what do you think I did? Luckily, I still had the car and it was in my name. I thought ahead! There was definitely some writing on my wall.
My landlord's girlfriend came by to see me and ask if everything was okay. I told her I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a job, I didn't know anyone, and Aziza was just a baby. She said go on welfare. I was like "What is that?" For any of you who know me, you also know that I work for the Department of Social Services in Broome County. I remembered the first interview with my temporary assistance worker in Chemung County, thinking, "Hmmm... that looks like a good job, helping people." Life is full of irony.
What's my point? I was 32-years old, had just moved upstate from Astoria, Queens where I worked in NYC making $18-$20/hr. as an administrative assistant and before deciding to move, was offered a floater position in a big law firm, but I turned it down. I wanted to live in less chaos, traffic, pollution, and allow my daughter to ultimately attend an all English-speaking school. I know that sounds unfair but when the level of education suffers to accommodate myriad languages, I decided something different for us. So after being this person, who is more than capable of getting work and sustaining herself, here she was applying for cash assistance, food stamps, medical assistance, and thank God for the WIC Program (I never could have afforded baby formula without it). Five months later I finally found a job - low paying, as I learned wages do no translate well from one area of NY to another - and day care for Aziza (which is another whole story I will share later). We survived, I pulled us through it, and as challenging as it was, I'd do it all over again.
So, when Aziza's father left us in that 3rd week of August 2002, when he said he was moving to New Orleans and would call me soon, I knew I was on my own when the $100 phone bill came in a month later with about 30 calls to Egypt. Low and behold, I discovered he had taken all of our money and purchased a plane ticket back to Egypt. I guess the appeal of coming back to see his daughter on weekends from NYC was not enticing enough. Fortunately, and I say that sarcastically, there was $50 left in the top dresser drawer. Fifty dollars and a 6-month old baby in an apartment that would require food for us, rent, electric, and phone payments. I knew no one and family was not in a position to assist with money - never had been really. So what do you think I did? Luckily, I still had the car and it was in my name. I thought ahead! There was definitely some writing on my wall.
My landlord's girlfriend came by to see me and ask if everything was okay. I told her I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a job, I didn't know anyone, and Aziza was just a baby. She said go on welfare. I was like "What is that?" For any of you who know me, you also know that I work for the Department of Social Services in Broome County. I remembered the first interview with my temporary assistance worker in Chemung County, thinking, "Hmmm... that looks like a good job, helping people." Life is full of irony.
What's my point? I was 32-years old, had just moved upstate from Astoria, Queens where I worked in NYC making $18-$20/hr. as an administrative assistant and before deciding to move, was offered a floater position in a big law firm, but I turned it down. I wanted to live in less chaos, traffic, pollution, and allow my daughter to ultimately attend an all English-speaking school. I know that sounds unfair but when the level of education suffers to accommodate myriad languages, I decided something different for us. So after being this person, who is more than capable of getting work and sustaining herself, here she was applying for cash assistance, food stamps, medical assistance, and thank God for the WIC Program (I never could have afforded baby formula without it). Five months later I finally found a job - low paying, as I learned wages do no translate well from one area of NY to another - and day care for Aziza (which is another whole story I will share later). We survived, I pulled us through it, and as challenging as it was, I'd do it all over again.
Monday, October 3, 2016
I never thought it would be this long
What can I say? Yep, it's been 14 years since my husband got himself on a plane and left the country. Really, that happened, and of course he neglected to mention it. Couples break up, even when your baby is six months old and you've just moved five hours away from the only place you've ever lived, and you know NO ONE. Not to mention, it was quite an experience living in a town with not just one, but TWO prisons. Fortunately it was short-lived and we found ourselves in good 'ole Broome County, where I still knew NO ONE but at least there wasn't any prison family population.
Yes, I made it but it wasn't easy, and for that matter, I figured it could only get better, right? Granted, optimism is not inherent in people; definitely an acquired state of thought, especially when obstacles never stop coming. Why is that? Why is God so hell-bent on challenging us? I mean, did I need to drive my Ford Taurus wagon through a bitter-cold upstate New York winter without heat? Sure, I finally got it fixed but we suffered a little, froze our noses off in the morning, our breath seeming to solidify in front of us. But with every failure, there was a triumph. With every mistake, there was an "okay" moment where I said, "I won't do that again!"
I never expected to remain single as long as I did. No one thinks they're going to be a single parent, raising their child (or children) alone. For me, no one seemed good enough to be the stand-in dad for Aziza, so I figured if she wasn't going to have the best, then she'd never know what was the worst. So with every one of my failed relationships (so hard to date with a little girl!), I was getting farther and farther away from it ever happening, basically giving up. Meaning, I would find myself, instead, 14 years later, writing all about it.
Stay tuned...
Yes, I made it but it wasn't easy, and for that matter, I figured it could only get better, right? Granted, optimism is not inherent in people; definitely an acquired state of thought, especially when obstacles never stop coming. Why is that? Why is God so hell-bent on challenging us? I mean, did I need to drive my Ford Taurus wagon through a bitter-cold upstate New York winter without heat? Sure, I finally got it fixed but we suffered a little, froze our noses off in the morning, our breath seeming to solidify in front of us. But with every failure, there was a triumph. With every mistake, there was an "okay" moment where I said, "I won't do that again!"
I never expected to remain single as long as I did. No one thinks they're going to be a single parent, raising their child (or children) alone. For me, no one seemed good enough to be the stand-in dad for Aziza, so I figured if she wasn't going to have the best, then she'd never know what was the worst. So with every one of my failed relationships (so hard to date with a little girl!), I was getting farther and farther away from it ever happening, basically giving up. Meaning, I would find myself, instead, 14 years later, writing all about it.
Stay tuned...
Stay Tuned...
I will be entering my very first post, but really an introduction to me, my daughter, and what I'll be sharing with you. Stay tuned, so much to come...
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