What's in the Works

It's been a while since my last post. Mostly, I've been enjoying my non-academic life, having to pinch myself every so often that there are NO more assignments due. It's like I keep remembering it's only Saturday and I still have another day off before I go back to work. That permission to relax and not have the wheels spinning in my head, strategically planning when and how I'll do this or get that done. Four classes and working full-time, I was truly in a mental frenzy. 

Aziza has a book report to do. Well, actually it's a poster representing the book with images and whatnot. When she told me it was due this coming Friday, I said, "I can help you with that if you want." She was like, "Okay, but don't get crazy, it's still my project." I just laughed to myself because I know I can get a little intense sometimes planning and thinking creatively. She does get irritated with me but in all fairness, all I said to start with is that she should sketch it out on regular paper what she wants the poster to look like. Assemble a mock first so when she's ready to paste everything down, it will be exactly where she wants it. Just a little forethought so I won't need to run out and get new poster board and reprint any images already glued down to the failed attempt. Her method is to jump in and just start pasting stuff, fitting it as she goes. I'm a lot more Type A and could never do it like that. 

Needless to say, the difference in our bedrooms say it all. I'm lucky I can find her in her room some days. I can't tell which mound is her or piles of clothes and blankets. I'm definitely a little more Felix than that 😉. I purchased the Odd Couple DVD from Amazon for her as a gag gift for Hanukkah. I thought their issues with one being an OCD neat freak and the other a slob, was undoubtedly us. She watched a few episodes and smirked here and there, almost not wanting me to know it was funny.

Anyway, so yes, January is rolling by and I am spending time thinking about my future and my career path. I've interviewed for a senior position to the one I'm in now with social services Case Integrity Unit. I've applied for another state exam in the Criminal Justice Services Department, and there is a probation officer trainee position in Delaware County. that they are looking to fill provisionally until an exam is scheduled. I've updated my resume and completed the application. That really would be my first choice, and it would be ideal for both Aziza and I, as I'd love the job and she's eager to make a new start somewhere and make new friends. 

We had some bullying issues recently with kids that she was very close to, that I was close to. So needless to say, she is very disappointed in how her friends turned on her and are now anything but her friends. So she's on board for change, which is usually my only battle. I'm okay with change, with challenge, with survival. I moved upstate in 2002 and didn't know a soul. I made it work and even met some dear people along the way. So if she's willing, I'm ready. I hope you'll keep your fingers crossed for me that something in my chosen field comes into my life soon. I'm about 20 years behind already! 😮

2016: It's a Wrap

There is a lot to say on this first day of 2017, and the first is that I am typing better than I was three days ago when I sliced open my left index finger on the lid of a Progresso soup can. Save yourselves and stay away from it. Those lids are faulty and it was not the first time I cut myself on the lid but it was the worst. So basically, I'm recovering from my injury. What made me laugh was when the intern present in the ER with the doctor patching me up said "It looks like a Frankenstein finger." A little ER humor. He wasn't actually an intern, he was still a med student but graduating soon.

So, some other big news for me is I'm finally a college graduate, and when I checked my graduation status the other day, it said that I was graduating summa cum laude, which means with highest honors. Honestly, I worked my butt off to get every A and I just wouldn't settle for less, so when I say how happy I am, multiply that by ten. I think the greatest revelation is that I have no more exams to take, research and papers to write, PowerPoint presentations to put together, or discussion board posts to participate in. My time now is my own, and thank God for that since I have about 50+ books on my Kindle I want to read. I find some of the BEST free or $.99 indie books and just can't help myself. I've been collecting them for some time and reading three right now. If you're ever looking for a good book to read and you enjoy e-Books, I can definitely recommend some. I read a lot of mysteries, crime novels, and literary fiction. Basically, I read the synopsis, read the reviews, take a look at a quick sample of the writing and if all seem good, I download. It's become sort of a hobby now.

There's no doubt that 2016 was a challenging year. Aziza was still sick with Celiac, which we finally have a complete handle on and she is doing great. I was taking classes back-to-back, spring-summer-fall, and all full-time with an internship, so I was overloaded to say the least. We all endured a very trying and ultimately for some, a disappointing presidential election, and without saying too much on that, I will only say that I pray for all of us. The way our new pres-elect is dismissing our own government agencies and their findings is very scary. We very well may have a traitor in the White House. The drama with our new pres-elect grows more and more disturbing as we get closer to him being in the White House. This is becoming that car crash I need to look away from but can't. I want to be oblivious and just focus on my fictional novels, live in a bubble where the real world doesn't have to exist. With how massive input can be from all forms of social media and TV, there's no way to escape it, no way to hide under the covers until it's all over. I can only hope good wins out here. Right now it seems like we are on a fast-track to a dark place, and maybe that's dramatic but with the current political climate, I'm finding it hard to see anything different.

On a much, much lighter note, I'm pleased to be writing poetry again. It's been about 6+ months since I was able to dedicate any time or thoughts to poetry writing. Publishing the last two poetry collections was a real labor of love, and it does take a lot out of you. You go into media mode after the book is together and then it's all marketing. I learned so much about book marketing - online marketing, that is - that if you ever want to self-publish and promote your own book, I can lead you in the right direction. But for me right now, I have a new blog, As Write as Rain, and I'm just enjoying writing and sharing, and will do that throughout the year. A new collection in 2018? I think so.

Wishing everyone a very happy and healthy new year! What you didn't do or get done last year, make 2017 your year!

Ode to co-existing

So now that Aziza is old enough to know that Santa is really just a figment of her imagination, I've been feeling more inclined to celebrate Hanukkah the last couple of years, since I am half Jewish. I'm on my second menorah. The first was very pretty, gold finish, and required those very, very slender candles that you put in and burn every night. I liked that one but the candles burned so quickly and then it was over. My new one with pretty blue lights stays lit while a new light is turned on each of the eight nights. I wanted Aziza to embrace the story of the lamp oil lasting eight nights, and if that did happen, it was quite a miraculous event.
 
So this year, we have a Christmas tree because that's what she knows from her Santa days, and we have our menorah. Incidentally, I said to Aziza the other night, "Listen, you will get one big present on Christmas day and then one gift every night of Hanukkah." Wow! If I didn't just tell her they stopped making peanut butter... she went crazy, saying "What?? I don't care about being Jewish, I'm not religious, that's your thing." I was floored at her outburst, stemming from the fact that she is pissed she won't get all her gifts on Christmas, and I responded with, "Well, what do you think Christmas is? If that's the case, and you don't care about religion, we should take the tree down right now and forget Christmas too." She was like, "Yeah, but the Christmas tree is for the aesthetic of the season, and honestly, it didn't matter to me if we had it or not."
 
She is so funny! She begged me to put up a Christmas tree this year after we only did Hanukkah last year and she said it was SO boring. I agreed even though I knew the cats would terrorize it, which they have done quite successfully. But it makes no difference how logical I think I'm being, she finds her way to one-up me with her own invented logic. Basically, I'm discovering my daughter is one of those "my way or the highway" people. Great! *says sarcastically* I think it's the invincibility of a teenager that makes them think that everything should just automatically go their way. Wow, rude awakening on life's horizon! I'm still moving forward with the one gift a night for eight nights. Let her learning process begin!

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy Festivus!

It's time to graduate - FINALLY! :D

It's been a while since I've checked in. Been insanely busy and focused on finishing this semester and graduating. It's finally near and in sight. As a matter of fact, tonight I take my last final exam and as of tomorrow I am officially graduated from SUNY Delhi with my bachelor's in criminal justice. It has been a long time coming. Having gone back to school the first time in 2009 to finish my associates, and then swearing I'd never return, I developed a change of heart when I received a brochure in the mail that catapulted my decision to go back to school and enroll in the bachelor of science program in September 2014.

I didn't do it like so many others and finish college after high school. I tried, I went to Queens College, John Jay College and then finally succumbed to Nassau Community College, but life and its unfortunate circumstances in my 20s pulled me away from school, and from knowing what I wanted to do or who I wanted to become. I literally drifted for about ten years until Aziza snapped me back and made me realize I deserved more, and I am more, and for her I'd be a role model to finish what you start. And hey, I've been on the Dean's list so many times, she's tired of hearing about it. ;) But that's what it's all about: working hard for something and getting it done. As school ends, I'll be gunning for a new position with the county or one with NYS. I'm pretty confident I'll be on a career path that makes much more sense very soon.

I'm glad it's holiday time but nostalgic for a time when I'd hide all of Aziza's gifts until the night before Christmas, so of course the ruse of Santa arriving with her gifts while she slept would play out. It was so much fun when she believed it all. Now, there is some surprise but she knows it all comes from mom, and instead of making a list for Santa, the list is for me. :)


Wishing everyone a very happy holiday season!

Oh look, it's snowing

Well, if you live in the Northeast like I do and you haven't looked out your window yet, do so. There it is, the first snow of the season - and it's not even winter yet. I had heard some projections about this being one of the coldest and snowiest winters we've seen in years but honestly, I don't know if I'm ready for this. I look out my bedroom window right now and there is heavy snow still laying on branches but only a matter of time before the gusty winds out there blow it into the air, scattered with the continued falling snow.

Now on days like these, you are either like me - forming images of cleaning the car off in the morning, having not yet factored that extra time needed into my routine, arriving late for work - or you are looking out your window smiling at the lovely snow. Those people are truly still dreamers, indulging their inner child. Snow is not fun for adults - period. There's shoveling, salting, traffic, cars sliding on the road because they think they know how to drive in the snow, and there's those endearing times when it all freezes and turns to ice.

I'm not completely without whimsy. I can see how pretty it looks when snow falls on tree branches, the wind is still, and when you walk outside you can almost hear snow landing on snow. It's quite magical for those first few moments until you realize there is about six inches piled on top of your car. If you have a garage, then by all means, love every minute of this falling bliss. If you have a snow blower, indulge away.

And the task of weekly grocery shopping becomes a battle against the elements. Heading into the store covered in snow because my trek from the parking lot was just that as everyone is at the store, paranoid that they will run out of bread or milk. I can see the lines right now, especially the weekend before Thanksgiving. I must be out of my mind entertaining the idea of shopping today. But of course yesterday, when it was near 70 degrees, I paid little attention to the weather and said to myself, "Let me get these school papers and loads of laundry done, I can shop tomorrow." As the flakes grow larger out my window, I am thinking how one would actually kick themselves in the ass.

It really is the little things

Of course we all know this past week was either triumphant for you or devastating. I'm unfortunately in the latter group, but there is always something that shows itself when things seem at their worst. I honestly believe God works that way, but you have to be willing to see the small wonders that make the big horrible things not seem like the world is coming to an end. And the gravity of this election made us truly go to that place in our minds and our hearts.

So Wednesday morning was a complete disaster. I began with devastated - as I mentioned - then I went to despondent, then anger began to set in. Worst stage and it lasts the longest. However, there is a fourth stage - humor. If I can't seriously embrace the next president - which I am quite sure will require magical feats in order for that to happen - I can at least revel in the fact that he is completely ridiculous and so will be his suspected entourage. I can watch late night comedy and the famed SNL to keep abreast of the ongoing mockery that I expect to be moving in indefinitely. And oh, I do love to laugh. Political satire is my most favorite. So you see, I'm smiling already.

And of course in talking with Aziza that Wednesday she was in school texting me to say that kids were going crazy in the halls, screaming Trump's name. I said to her, "Just ignore it." That's my usual go-to anyway. When it doubt, tune it out! And she said, how can they be so stupid? I said, "Well, be glad at least that you know you would not have voted for Donald Trump if you were able to vote. And she said to me... "And that's because you raised me to be a good human." I was flooded with this acceptance and appreciation from my daughter she had never confided in me before. Right there in a simple text she told me I had done a good job, and she was a good person because of me. I just said, "And that's all you can do."

Acceptance is not always an easy concept for many, and it often requires a lifetime of lessons to get you to the point where you can say, "Okay, this is the way it is, I will go on as I have and deal with it the best way I can." I grew up watching my mother absolutely defy anything she did not like, approve of, or did not go her way. To this day, I swear I can still hear her stamping her feet in defiance. However, today she is probably reveling in the fact that Trump won, and not because she has any real political views of her own - hasn't voted in over 20 years - or because she thought he was the better candidate, she is most likely enjoying the fact that him being elected would have really hurt me. She loves to see me miserable and wrong, with her being the victor so she can say, 'I told you so." Or more politically correct, "I don't want to tell you I told you so but... " I know we can't pick our family, but we can surely stop taking their calls!

On a lighter note, and there is always a bright sky just beyond the storm, I know now that I am the loudest voice my daughter hears. Wanting to give her the wisdom and tools to make the most of her life, when so much of that was never given to me (had to learn my wisdom the very hard way), I am certain that the future, no matter who our president is or what the world sometimes will dictate, she has a mind of her own and will follow her own path, never anyone else's.

Piano Lessons

So the new department at work is going well. It's a difference of more complex cases I worked on in Medicaid with less volume versus easy one-status cases but with enormous volume. I'm literally leaving work exhausted. The last two days I ate a protein bar for dinner and my favorite holiday pumpkin spice coffee from McDonald's. If you haven't tried it, do it! It's sweeter than Dunkin's pumpkin coffee but tastes so much better. Anyway, so I've been just dead tired when I get home, welcoming the cats wanting to sit on my lap, just so I can spend some time vegging in the chair. Wednesday I came home after work, Aziza was sleeping in her room - she takes naps after school sometimes - and after relaxing, I busied myself with some cleaning and some school assignments I had to work on. About 7-7:30 I hear Aziza awake in her room talking to a friend. I hadn't checked my phone since I got home - a new thing I've been doing lately, just not caring for the time being - and I don't know what it was that triggered it, but as I passed by Aziza's electric piano, I thought OMG, WE TOTALLY FORGOT TO GO TO HER LESSON AT 6;15! I run into her room and I'm like "Omg, omg, we forgot your lesson!" Aziza's piano teacher literally lives down the street from us, where she used to live pretty far into Apalachin, so it has been a real breeze for me. I run check my phone and there is her text: "So tonight's obviously a no go for piano :p. Everything alright?" I felt so bad. She is the sweetest person and Aziza has learned so much from her in just a year.

Of course I was crazy apologetic and of course she was like, "It's okay, it happens!" This did not make me feel any better, unfortunately. So glad we worked it out and then rescheduled for Friday (yesterday) at 4pm. I figured that's perfect. Aziza gets home at 3;30 and she can just walk right over there... literally less than a 5 minute walk. It's about 3:54 yesterday and I'm at my desk at work packing up, getting ready to go home and Aziza calls. She says, "Do I have a piano lesson today?" I'm like "Yes! Hurry up, get over there!" And then I realize I forgot to leave her a check to give Katie. I think to myself: Well done, Heather. I text Katie and tell her Aziza is coming over right now but I'll get the check to her later on (we owed her still from last week when Aziza canceled at the last minute). She says it's no problem. I rush home, hoping to get there by 4:30 and meet Aziza coming out so she can run back inside and give Katie the check. Stupid Friday night traffic prevails - of course - but I get there at like 4:29. Can I tell you I literally sat in the car and waited until 4:45 for Aziza to come out. They were watching the marching band video from the state championships from the week before - 2nd in the state! Okay, fine, I get that, but I rushed, I stressed over nothing. I could have even stopped somewhere, as I always have some errand to run after work, but I couldn't think of a thing except wanting to get home with the check.

Did I fail to mention that I'm working at this new job that has me on the phone all day interviewing people? And that I am in the last 7 weeks of my final 4 courses at Delhi University before graduating? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'll be sitting and typing a paper or typing this right now, and I'll suddenly forget how to spell a word I've known since probably 4th grade. I'm in dire need of a vacation - far away from my life!!!